yesterday i watched a movie with my friend. the movie was about love, and the way we sometimes obsess, and can't let go. I was taken back to another time, another place. I remember listening to his voice on my answering machine, replaying his last words to me. "i love you..." I remember reading his notes from europe. "hey sexy! i'm in berlin." reading them until the words swam on the screen. i remember thinking i'd never let go. that we would always be in love. In the middle of my flashback, lisa asked "did you ever love like that? Like, you just couldn't let go?"
I was silent for what seemed like forever, and then i whispered, "yes."
"It was a long time ago, his name was steve....i had forgotten until just now...."
And then i smiled at her and turned back to the movie. I smiled because i had forgotten about i until that moment, and I will forget again.

i'm really tired of fighting. even when there is nothing to fight about, we find something. even when we think we couldn't love each other any more, we find one more reason to pick at each others scabs.

sometimes they are real, crazy fights with insults being hurled and wrongs being committed at every turn. "I hate that your mom treats me like this!" "why do you let that girl hang on you like she does?"
sometimes its something small. a roll of the eyes or a repressed sigh. Another little annoyance i just can't let go. "Why don't you keep the house clean when i'm gone?" "When was the last time you bothered to buy groceries?"

And then it hits me. I like to fight.

Why? What happened in my effed up childhood to make me want this? What happened in my past relationships to make me enjoy this? How can I change this?

i have a hard time forgiving people who have wronged me. once my trust in them has been broken, its really difficult not to be angry and bitter and cynical. once i have been hurt, i don't do well in recovering. lately i have encountered a repeat offender to my emotional well-being and i don't know how to deal with her. i don't know how to forget the things she has said and done to myself and those i love and move on. i want to be able to do this. to accept peoples apologies even if i know they will do it again. i want to believe in people.